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Smack-Off XI

May 6th, 2005

The eleventh annual Smack-Off was won by Sean the Cablinasian, making him the first three time winner of the contest. In her sophomore effort, Rachel in Houston earned the highest ranking ever by a woman. Iafrate earned his fourth silver medal while Jeff on a car phone in Phoenix managed to get the buzzer in a Smack-Off for a record fourth time.

Here are some highlights from the day's proceedings:

Ed in Stockton
"It took a 1 for 3 outing for [Charles Thomas of the A's] to get his average above the average human life expectancy."

Casey in Vegas
"Anytime you see a female wearing a jersey that's not at a game, she's fat and ugly...but enough about Patty in Modesto."

"If Jake doesn't stop playing around you're going to be so nervous you couldn't beat Mahmood Abdul-Rauf in a staring contest."

Greg in Vegas
"Jim I haven't heard you so uncomfortable since the day that Gene Simmons came into the Jungle and told you, 'You can't say I'm Jim Rome and I don't feel like making any sperm today'."

"Per your recommendation, I just gave money to the Canadian diabetes association, and then I called Stub Hub and asked for Roger Metzger, but he couldn't come to the phone."

"I don't want to say [Mitch] Albom's opinion is meaningless, but his paper has less circulation than Mike Utley."

Terrence in Sierra Madre
"One year I even tried steroids: my smack went further, but my head got too big for the telephone."

"Now that we have a German pope, will the French surrender now or wait for the Vatican to invade? I can just see the Swiss Guard goose-stepping their way down the Champs Élysées"

He attempted to go Iafrate Niems with a song accompanied by guitar, but aborted the attempt in the second verse:

Hey Mr. J-Stew
You got moles on your dome dude
"Heh, Heh, Heh, Heh
You always say that"

Hey Mr. J-Stew
Why did they...

Ah, screw it, screw it, stop it, stop it...

"I'll tell you about the average clone. When you got thrown in jail, who bailed you out? The average clone. When your skank dumped you, who took you to the strip club? The average clone. Every time you get evicted, who helps you move your stuff? The average clone. When Raider fan is trying to bust a Natty Light over your dome in some barroom brawl, who would you rather have watching your back, The Cablinasian or Otis from Austin? Who went beer for beer with you for three straight days when your father died? The average clone. When Americans are asked to go fight and die in some foreign country, who goes? The average freaking clone. You know Rome, I won't lie to you, on any other day of the year I'd probably be ragging on the average clone. But not on this day. Remember ye well St. Crispin's Day, for on this good day I say to all, WAR THE AVERAGE CLONE AND FREEDOM! Err Out."

Sean the Cablinasian
"Stew you went to Fullerton, of course your college education has little to do with your job, there's no spatula involved."

On PG Jason Williams: "Give the guy his pen back, like there's any way you're going to write with something besides a crayon or a can of spray paint."

Oliver in St. Louis
"I think Dexter Manley could eat alphabet soup and pass a better script today."

Iafrate
"A-N-D-R-U-W; oh I'm sorry, Andruw. In every freaking corner of the literate English speaking world, Andrew is spelled A-N-D-R-E-W. Our next contestant is Shawon Dunston."

"On this guy's [Terrence in Sierra Madre's] best day ever in his life, and trust me, never was there a better day in his life, there were still two guys who handed him his ass."

Joe in Orange County
Right after Silk's meltdown: "Wow, nothing like following a great warm-up act to get the crowd laughing. I can't handle people making fun of my voice. I can't handle it, my wife can't handle it, and personally I don't give a damn if my mother-in-law can handle it, and none of them know how to turn off the radio."

"Kobe couldn't decide between the Lakers and the Clippers, so he just turned the Lakers into the Clippers."

"Compared to these people [LiveWithMom.com clones], A.C. Green had the bachelorhood of Hugh Heffner."


15 clones made the call, 3 received the buzzer treatment.

Here is how I handicapped the field prior to the event:

Odds	Clone
3-1	Sean the Cablinasian
7-1	Doc Mike DiTolla
7-1	Terrence in Sierra Madre
8-1	Gino in San Antonio
8-1	Joe in Orange County
10-1	Jim in Fall River
10-1	Greg in Vegas
12-1	Iafrate
15-1	Casey in Vegas
15-1	Irie Craig
15-1	Trapper in Dana Point
18-1	Silk in Huntington Beach
20-1	Jeff on a car phone in Phoenix
20-1	Chris from Cougar High
25-1	Kerwin in Riverside
25-1	Joe in New York City
30-1	Rachel in Houston
30-1	Bill in Knoxville
35-1	Jeff in Richmond
35-1	Don in NoCal
35-1	Mike in Orlando
40-1	Oliver in St. Louis
40-1	Ed in Stockton
50-1	Otis in Austin
75-1	Chuck in Phoenix
100-1	JT the Brick
100-1	Jeffrey DiTolla
100-1	Stevie Carbone
1000-1	Tobin in Chapel Hill
1000-1	Larry in Knoxville

Other propositions:

O/U	Bet
4	Number of Past Champs who call
18	Total Calls making it to air
3.5	Terrible calls receiving the buzzer
20	Uses of the word "Jim" by Jeff in Richmond
3.0	1st Hour Calls in the Top 10
4.5	2nd Hour Calls in the Top 10
2.5	3rd Hour Calls in the Top 10

Results for 2005

RANK	ORDER	HOUR	SEG	POS	RATING	VOTES	CALLER (AUDIO LINK)
dDNF	1	1	1	1	2.26	5	Jeff on a Carphone in Phoenix
a4	2	1	2	1	3.69	13	Rachel in Houston
a8	3	1	2	2	3.48	28	Bill in Knoxville
dDNF	4	1	3	1	2.71	2	Ed in Stockton
a6	5	1	3	2	3.31	14	Casey in Vegas
a9	6	1	4	1	3.75	37	Greg in Vegas
cUNR	7	2	1	1	2.94	4	Otis in Austin
a3	8	2	2	2	3.95	129	Terrence in Sierra Madre
dDNF	9	2	2	3	2.54	2	Joe in New York City
a1	10	2	3	1	4.05	113	Sean the Cablinasian
b10	11	2	3	2	2.90	1	Oliver in St. Louis
a2	12	2	4	1	3.65	34	Iafrate
a5	13	3	1	1	3.45	14	Steve Carbone
cUNR	14	3	1	2	2.94	4	Silk in Huntington Beach
a7	15	3	2	1	3.23	3	Joe in Orange County

Did Not Call: Chris from Cougar High Chuck in Phoenix Doc Mike DiTolla Don in NoCal Gino in San Antonio Irie Craig J.T. the Brick Jeff in Richmond Jeffrey E. DiTolla Jim in Fall River Kerwin in Riverside Larry in Knoxville Mike in Orlando Tobin in Chapel Hill Trapper in Dana Point

Ancillary Audio: Rome breaks down the top 10 thru 4 Rome breaks down the top 3 thru 1 The Cablinasian discusses how it feels to be a three-time King of Smack

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Viewing all Comments (2):

Posted by Rob Mason on May 16th, 2012 at 13:56

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Posted by dillweed on March 8th, 2013 at 12:27

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