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Smack-Off X

April 16th, 2004

The tenth annual Smack-Off picked up right where the ninth left off. The Cablinasian brought his flawless 'A' game as we've come to expect. Terrence made his best call ever. Trapper went old school with Jack Nicholson's "You can't handle the truth" monologue from A Few Good Men. Joe in Orange County made a solid sophomore effort. Greg in Vegas brought his Calvin Murphy, "it's a vagina, not a clown car" smack. Rookie caller Casey in Vegas was cruising until he lost his place on the page and ejected.

But Iafrate stole the show in the last call-in segment. He went old school in the form of a song and sang Whitey's Dad to the tune of the John Niems classic Michael's Dad.

I would like to dedicate the remainder of my Smack-Off call to one of the true quiet heroes in a Jungle filled with noise, a man who has toiled in virtual obscurity, that we might enjoy this fellowship of the clone. And so I offer this original composition of my own hand, and heart, in his honor and with deep gratitude. [Cue familiar intro on his piano]

We've all been watching A guy on Romey's team Perform like no albino Ever has And always behind him For the world to see A beaming Mr. Albers Smiling Whitey's dad How proud he must have been To be Whitey's dad Each time he put a cart in How great it must have felt To be Whitey's dad Watching his son Hit the buzzer Year after year.

GOOD NIGHT NOW! Brilliant call. One of the best ever.

I've never been a big Trapper fan, and who can forget his ill-advised tandem call with John in C-Town? But he absolutely destroyed with his Smack-Off call in '04. Here's the transcript:

To paraphrase JFK, never has there been so much brilliance assembled here with the exception of when Thomas Jefferson chose to dine alone. Terrence my brother, we agree to disagree. It is an honor to be in this company; Jim, thank you for the invite.

It's been a tough year across the national landscape and in sports for a guy with a social conscience. From an obscene war in Iraq to rampant corporate fraud on the street to the Bill of Rights being held hostage in a Guantanamo Bay dungeon, we goose-step to whatever version of Jingo-Bells Toby Keith and Lee Greenwood play. And Bruce gave it up for The Rising, but Dylan just gave up last week and sold out and broke my heart. While the Super Bowl hit the gutter, the Series was subdivided for 30 pieces of silver by Madison Avenue's Midas Mensas. And Major League Baseball's drug scandals and the BCS poll bought the national pastime and the Gipper's game subpoenaed front row seats in front of Senate and House investigating committees. You throw in Jim, two bulimic rich bitches bagging on middle America's decency and work ethic for huge ratings and frankly, the whole ball of wax is starting to look to me like a Bush-Cheney fundraiser at the Chicken Ranch.

Jimmy, after twelve years on this beat I'm exhausted. So to all of you little e-mailers out there who have been waiting for me to hang up my spikes and fade away, well, you want to know the truth? [throat clearing] [In Trapper's best Nicholson] You can't handle the truth. We live in a Jungle with vines, and those vines have to be manned by men with Smack. Who's going to do it? You Flamian? You Patty from Modesto? Jeff in Richmond, Niems, the Clones? I have a greater responsibility than you can imagine. You have the liberty of not knowing what I know. That Irie, Silk, Seanie, Terrence, Dark Gable, and a few of us help the rest of the literate world forget about your pathetic contributions. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves this show. You want to know the truth? You don't want to know the truth, because deep down in places you don't want to talk about at parties, you want me on that vine, you need me on that vine. We use words like "karma", "racked", and "scoreboard". We use those words as the backbone of a program spent defending something. You use them as a punch line. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to some eunuchs who rise and sleep under the blanket of Smack I provide then question the very manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said, "Thank you Trapper," and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you grab a vine, swing in from your little keyboard foxholes, and give us a take. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think.

Because from the Queen Mary to the Roach and the Day After, to the Mayor in Pow-adega, to Richy in Anaheim Hills in a maternity ward, to Scrooge finding God at the Murph parking lot, from Raider Mike on fire to Joey from Lemon Grove on anything having to do with ice, from Dago to Tampa Bay, to Portland to Buffalo, from the H-Town to S.A. bus with Pointdexter, and from San Fran to C-Town, Mo-Town, and Sac-Town: I've been around. I'm a made man with a twelve year smack chip and next to taxes and death, there's only three things you geldings can take to the grave. And that's: I'm Trapper and you're not; on your best day, my 'roids will always be your aneurisms; and when the sun rises tomorrow anywhere between the great Garden State of New Jersey and Dana Point, I'll be around and you won't. Are we clear?

[Return to Trapper voice] What can I say babe, but Jimmy, tramps like us; I'm outta here.

I don't want to admit it, but that call changed my entire perspective on Trapper; that was one hell of a call and I am now a fan, even with the knowledge of that unsavory tandem call.

The biggest disappointment of the day was listening to a contender take the buzzer. Jim in Fall River was killing, he got off a classic line about New Mexico clones, "they consider ménage à trois banging your sister with a cockroach in your mouth." But ultimately he was run for mentioning that he "had to have my girl go to the barn to jack-off the donkey so we could feed the cat," because they couldn't afford cat food.

A total of 18 callers participated, 6 of which were first time callers, 3 took the buzzer.

Results for 2004

RANK	ORDER	HOUR	SEG	POS	RATING	VOTES	CALLER (AUDIO LINK)
cUNR	1	1	1	1	2.83	4	Jeff on a Carphone in Phoenix
a6	2	1	2	1	3.64	32	Greg in Vegas
cUNR	3	1	2	2	3.25	4	Rachel in Houston
a8	4	1	3	1	2.58	8	Casey in Vegas
dDNF	5	1	3	2	2.90	1	Oliver in St. Louis
a3	6	1	4	1	3.76	52	Terrence in Sierra Madre
b10	7	2	1	1	2.71	2	Mike in Orlando
a4	8	2	1	2	3.86	53	Trapper in Dana Point
a5	9	2	2	1	3.22	12	Joe in Orange County
cUNR	10	2	2	2	2.71	2	Paul in Sioux City
a2	11	2	3	1	3.79	51	Sean the Cablinasian
dDNF	12	2	4	1	3.78	41	Jim in Fall River
dDNF	13	2	4	2	2.41	4	Otis in Austin
cUNR	14	2	4	3	3.04	4	Silk in Huntington Beach
a9	15	3	1	1	3.13	6	Irie Craig
a7	16	3	1	2	3.42	11	Doc Mike DiTolla
a1	17	3	2	1	3.96	129	Iafrate
cUNR	18	3	2	2	2.85	3	Christian in Kansas City

Did Not Call: D.J. in D.C. Dan in D.C. Don in NoCal Gino in San Antonio J.T. the Brick Jeff in Richmond Jeffrey E. DiTolla Joe in New York City Mike in Providence Steve Carbone

Ancillary Audio: Michael's Dad by legendary recording artist John Niems Whitey's Dad by Iafrate Rome breaks down the top 10 thru 5 Rome breaks down the top 4 thru 1 Iafrate reflects on finally getting the smack monkey off his back

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Posted by SteveVanSmack on May 18th, 2012 at 3:56

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